Girl of my dreams

There's this girl whom i met back in August 2000 at a library. First time meeting her was like just general friends. My first impression on her....well, actually i didn't have a good impression of her i think. To me, she's just an ordinary girl. Just a friend. She would help me out with my maths when she was at the library. Then she showed interest in the language i was interested in as well: nihon-go(japanese language). I remember the days when she would spent her studying time to get me to teach her japanese. She wasn't a fast learner. So i printed out a paper with all the hiragana characters as well as the phonetics for her to refer to. Days later she wrote out the hiraganas with the phonetics in a fullscape paper and pass it to me. On the paper as well was her name in hiragana; "mi-n-n". I didn't realise how minn would have changed my life. At first, i thought she was just some ordinary teenage girl that i would meet and end up at most as friends. But there was more from her. As soon as she got my house number, she would call me at times telling me about our tuition events. Months past and one night while at a tuition centre, i suddenly go jealous of her talking to a bunch of guys who was from her brother school. Actaully i wouldn't have gotten jealous...i think..if my classmates weren't disturbing me n her. Somehow it just seems that God was trying to match us up. Coz that nite after i got back home, i tried calming myself but failed. In the end, I made a call and said "aishiteru" to her. Took me lots of courage to do that. Really alot. After saying that, i bid her goodnite and tried to catch sum sleep. Didn't really got enuf sleep that nite if i could recall correctly. Coz i think i was "fishing" in class the next day.

During my days with Minn, when i didn't bother to care for her, she would just be there, sitting beside me n smiling at me. Her smile bring me warmth. And sumhow her smile brings me a sense of freshness. Being with her made me felt happy. Also, she was a "turn on" for me. But i didn't ake her as anything despicable. Our friendship stage didn't last long. That nite after failing to visit our tutor's house coz he wasn't at home, we walked on the overhead bridge to reach the other side of the road where we would wait there for our parents to bring us back. Rite the on top of the bridge, she held my hand. I was shocked at first but then i realise that she may have like me. Minn's hand was small n soft as silk. Since then, i didn't let go off her hands not until we reach the other end of the bridge. And it was that nite that we officially became boyfriends n girlfriends. But everthing seems too fast.

First 2 months was going well. We chatted mostly on the phone coz i wasn't good in this kind of stuff yet. Minn was my first love. And i tried my best to make her happy. But after the government exam ended, we rarely met each other. And that's when problems started to occur. I haven't gotten my driving license yet and even if i had i would not be able to drive coz my parents would not permit me to. They say that i'm too reckless. *But up till now, the only accident i had was hitting a wall when reversing my car. Been driving, speeding and wat more? Racing as well.* That day, I met her ex while on the way to sugarbun with her. I didn't really notice it was her ex till she actually told me. And ever since then she would be talking to me mostly about her ex. What he did and many more. Hearing that, I started to lose confidence. I tried many ways to get through this challange; i cared for her more, called her but all was useless. She just thought that i was trying to be him. She even call me bad names and sumhow i was stupid enuf to be able to stand her.

About 3 months later, we broke up. She declared it. Coz she said that we were incompatible. Luckily i wasn't really heartbroken. Coz the loss seems so little. I did try to patch back but then fail. About a week later, we got back together again. That was after i drove (with my buddy accompanying) to her house. Things got better then and i started being myself again. I listened to what she wants n tried my best to give it to her. There was once when she wanted a soft toy and i searched the whole kuching for it without any result. Lucky for me(or her), i had a classmate studying in kl that time and he saw that doll and sent it to me. *Really thank him for that.* As soon as i got the doll, i manage to get my friends to bring me to her place since it was raining heavily. I lent my friend's umbrella n got them to park at the corner of the junction so she wouldn't see them. That time she was angry of me for sumthing which i've forgotten. Waiting outside the house, i called her home using my mobilephone and told her i was outside with a "gift". She didn't believe me at first but then when she looked outside, there i was. I may have misunderstood her words that day but as soon as i gave her the gift, i left. That nite, she called me, thank me for the gift and then forgave me.

In late April 2001, I received a letter from a campus in another state accepting me to futrther my studies there. Though the course i applied wasn't the course i wanted, it was a degree and i had to choose between a college o a university. Minn did apply for that U as well. And that's why i didn't want to go to that college. Even if it was in a more develop state and with lots of pretty girls. My heart was with Minn already. On the last day i before i left for my U, i was suppose to be out with Minn but then coz of my foolishness i drove my friends as well. And wat's worst? I nearly got Minn in an accident coz i was very anxious in getting Minn back home before dinner in order to prevent her from being scold by her parents. * Minn is the youngest in the family with 2 elder brothers and her family is strict.* If i got minn in an accident, i would sure die than living. Well , I knew that our relationship since then would not be very stable cz after my departure to my new U, we seldom see each other. But we called each other. Though she would mostly call from public phones coz she dun want her parents to know about her having a bf.

Late May, Minn got offered by a government U which is near my state. But not for long because she got another offer for overseas studying medical in Russia. My first tormenting cry was during this time. That week i got her call where she sounded very unhappy, I immediately asked my senior(a housemate who's very friendly and crazy) to help me buy a ticket to that state on that very weekend. Everything was perfect that morning. I left early so i wouldn't missed my bus. But then unexpected events occur. That day hapens to be one of the state's event and the road was blocked. After waiting 15 minutes and still no movement, i paid the taxi driver and then rushed to the bus station. Though i've been in that state for like almost a month, I dun really know the roads there. But somehow God helped me and i manage to reach the bus station and got onto my bus before it leaves................to be continued.

My World- F***ing World

My World- F***ing World 15/09/2004 12:58am

Being a cancer is really hard unless u are able to do the rite things at the rite time. Rite this moment i'm moody. I've noticed that once more i've made mistakes which i've done many of a times. I've not done anything useful for quite sum time now and i'm not doing anything benificial from this 3 weeks break. Rite this moment i just wanna go out of this house n drive out to meet with my friends they all that are having their supper outside. Rite this moment i just wish i could ignore everything and start all over again from 0%. Just like clicking on a "restart life" button. Why oh why am i so lazy? So idle with life? So unmotivated in doing things? Wat when wrong in me? How could i be like this? I know that i could be better but rite this moment, I'm such a sucker~! AN asshole to be morel ike it. Might as well be best that i just die. No point living this life anyway. I'm a total failure in academic, social life and even love. I dun even qualify to be a son of a family. Man....Life rite now for me sux. Such a Fuking World. Sigh~ Wish i could just curl up and sleep thru this years without any pain; without sorrow. Just silence....Loneliness is my only companion. Who would be there to care for me? Who would be there to trust me? Minn said that of course ppl trust me. But in a certain level. And my family trusts me the most? Wat The Fuk? I dun see a constant trust from them. Where were they when i needed them? They only came when all the bads are over. Just like in the movies where the heroes finish dealing with the bad guys before the police arrives. Boy am i so fuking pesimistic. I seemed to have like given up in life adi. Feel like living a lifeless life. Many things i could do bu ti just dun have the courage to do it. I can think of doing it but then everything goes wrong becoz of me. See how useless i am? Can't even offer help to the needy, I got cheated by people easily. I even got used by those whom i considered them as my best friends. Friends.....I dun have much at all. Only a few whom i would consider friends. Friends uses me too often becomes my enemy. Sigh...Fuking life....

Freedom.......Do U even EXIST~!?

-End